#57 - TANDORI FUNK

So, I'm in New York a few years ago with some friends of mine doing New York things, y'know...giving each other "hip hop hugs," eating bagels with bacon flavored cream cheese (!!), buying vacuum cleaner bags at 4am (‘cause we can, fool!). One evening my man Andrew, a native you see, says "Let's go to this Indian restaurant where the food is good AND you get to bring your own beer!" Of course, I'm like "cool" and I start wondering what tasty local "micro brew" best compliments my imminent curry explosion. Hmmm...perhaps a "Brooklyn Ale," maybe something heavier...how about...next thing I know I'm in line at liquor store with a 40oz of Bud in my hand. Apparently, this is what goes best according to my friends who decided for me. .

So there we are at the Indian restaurant, 4 scruffy lads, each with a big-ass 40. You should have seen the place, Christmas lights were strung up all along the ceiling, giving the place a weird East (Indian) meets West (Christmas) feel. Then, my man has the bright idea of telling me "Hey, I'm gonna tell the waiter it's your birthday (it's not) ‘cause they do something ‘really special' for the guest of honor (me – again, it's not my birthday). Sure enough he whispers something in the waiter's ear and a few minutes later...

The lights go down, a disco ball drops, the fog machine switches on, the Christmas lights go crazy and then some LOUD-ASS music that can only be described as a mixture of traditional Indian meets disco meets electro funk starts blaring. Everyone is clapping along, the wait staff is dancing, man, it's a fuckin' party! And I'm like, "Damn! This is great! Wow! What are they gonna bring me...a big-ass steak??" (Please note ignorance). Then, the kitchen doors are kicked open and I see what appears to be a desert of some kind with a candle heading my way along with the mandatory "Happy Birthday" song. Boy, oh boy...I can hardly wait. Then, they reach my table and hand me my birthday treat! "What was it." You ask?? Imagine my surprise when I looked down to see a single "Donut Hole" with a candle sticking out of it. To make it worse, it was a sad, sagging donut hole with the candle placed all lopsided at a 45 degree angle.

Just as suddenly as it begun, the lights came back on, the fog machine sucked back the fog and there I am: sitting with a limp donut hole and a warm 40oz of Bud filled with backwash. Damn. Suddenly, I have to use the bathroom.

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